Off Kilter, Pissed and Real

46 Comments


Life speaks to us all the time.  Mine wouldn’t let me sleep last night.  I had some unexpressed anger to feel, so I got up at 4 AM and wrote it out.  My favorite anger release is to go outside and play “Little John” by smacking some dead trees with my staff, but it’s too damn cold for that. sunburst_space1

Anger is an emotion that begins first as a feeling (physical vibration) in our bodies. But if we don’t give it the space and time to be felt, it will just duck under the covers of our consciousness and come back to bite us in the ass later.  Feelings don’t morph into emotions until we attach thoughts to them. When we don’t feel a feeling and instead judge it as good or bad, it must surface in the way we’ve labeled it.

On Monday I got some disappointing feedback, not in its truth but in its delivery.  I’d shared my vulnerability with a friend and asked him to be gentle, supportive and encouraging, regardless of the quality of the work I’d submitted, for his review.  For some unknown reason, he was unnecessarily harsh.  But since I wanted the feedback, I silently listened and took notes. Interestingly I’d just written about support and speaking up.

I knew that my friend’s behavior was just a trigger for a deeper self-anger that I’d buried.  I’ve previously shared the techniques I use to feel my feelings and about the power in begin pissed.  So I’ll not cover that ground again.  But I would like to write about accepting our darker sides.

Authenticity isn’t just something that we express when every thing is coming up roses. It’s also authentic to be pissed when you feel off kilter and anger is trying to surface.  Years ago I quit wearing the mask of false happiness. While writing this I was tweeting back and forth with fellow coach Tim Brownson when he half-jokingly said.

I don’t even know what authentic is other than to be doing what I want to be doing. Tim Brownson

Thanks Tim, that seems like a pretty powerful definition to me.
But is it advisable to share ones authentic darker side, in a public forum like Twitter?

A well-known social media expert recently tweeted something like this. “Don’t share anything here that you wouldn’t put up on billboards all over town.” Even that pissed me off, because he seemed to be saying, “wear the mask – don’t be real – be careful.” Bullshit to that! I wouldn’t pay to express my anger on a billboard but I’ll not run from it either.

Perhaps people, who play it safe and cautious, end up doing business with others who also value appropriateness over authenticity. I guess playing it safe could be genuine for them. But when I see someone holding back, I question his or her integrity. I think trust comes first, from simply being real.

I’ll close with my favorite three stanzas from The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.   Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Resources:

If you’re just dipping your toes in the social media waters, here are four experts worthy of your trust: Christine Gallagher, Kathy Hendershot-Hurd, Kim Woodbridge and Suzanne Bird-Harris.

About Tom Volkar

My mission is to guide employees who want to seize the freedom of self-employment. If you’ve always wanted to start your own business and haven’t then I can get you there. What would it take for you to make that big decision that you aren’t making? You only need an effective process supported by a clear structure and that’s what I provide. My vision: Everyone is authentically fulfilled in work, in love and in life.

Comments

  1. What a breath of fresh air…..I look forward to more down to earth, real-human being posts like this one,Tom

    Michelle
    The Soul Alignment Coach

  2. A very personal and powerful post that touches me as I read it early this morning. I want to thank you for providing your insights as an experienced coach and someone who has been involved deeply in social networking. Also thanks for the additional social networking resources. This post leaves me with a lot to sit with and process.

    I’m always fascinated when I meditate and observe my own anger, as with any emotion that arises, as to how it shifts and changes from moment to moment.

    Allan Goldsteins last blog post..What Do You Do When You Don’t Know What To Do?

  3. I’m a huge believer in experiencing your pain and emotions. Letting things fester just leaves this gaping scar that will tear open again and again. The hard part becomes being able to name not just your anger, but the why of your anger. You have to understand what you’re really angry about. Is it the friend that was unnecessarily harsh? Or the parent that made you oversensitive to criticism with their constant abuse?

    It took me a lot of years to be able to make those jumps. Of course, you can also fall into the trap of blaming everything on the past events, and overlooking abuse right in front of you. It’s definitely a balancing act, being self-aware *laughs*.

    The most important thing, I’ve learned, is to express your anger in a constructive way. Me, I like to get in my car and just scream my frustration away. It’s a real release of those emotions for me. I always feel better afterward.

    Jodiths last blog post..So You’ve Been Laid Off

  4. Thanks for the potential realization regarding unfelt anger. I too awakened at 4AM – had a couple of weird nightmares, which is unusual for me because I rarely sleep long enough for the dreamstate to kick-in. Perhaps I have too-long suppressed my anger over someone or something. I think I will write out all the possible who’s and what’s that may be angering me and then (when it’s a bit warmer) I will go play Little John in the woods nearby. Thanks for the Mountain Dreamer excerpt and the social media resources. As usual, you have touched a chord with me.

  5. Hi Tom – Thank you for the mention and for your faith in me. I don’t think of myself as an expert but have learned a few things along the way.

    I’ve struggled with how much I should express online sometimes. I have admitted that I curse in real life but I don’t online.

    When my Mother passed away recently I was overcome with my grief and sadness. I didn’t know how to express myself without that being part of it. So, I wrote an article on my blog about what I experienced. I did not, however, express it on twitter or other forums – well, I did but only via direct messages.

    I’ve also been angry and disappointed recently due to some issues with my ex. I haven’t said too much but I have mentioned what has happened on twitter – not so much my anger but rather the event.

    I can’t not be myself and have to express, to some degree, what I am feeling. I am certainly not going to bash or yell at a customer in a public setting but I have to feel what I am feeling. I think people who only know me online appreciate the openness – I seem more like a “real” person to them.

    Kim Woodbridges last blog post..8 WordPress Themes for Valentine’s Day

  6. What a great post Tom!

    I am authentic always, but I am not always very open. I share but not to the point where it makes me uncomfortable. And this point of comfort moves all the time – and that is okay as long as I do not force myself to do or be something that does not come naturally to me…

    But I have noticed that irrespective of whether I am interacting in real-life or in the virtual world, people respect me more if I seem more real and willing to share myself – there is a little more trust and belief – and I want to keep that going – so I will continue to share ….

    Enjoyed reading this one

    Mayas last blog post..The One Hundred: A Guide to Pieces Every Happy and Balanced Soul Must Embrace: Simplicity

  7. Rock and Roll. I love it. I woke up not that long ago, looked at my husband and said “I’m in a bad mood today.” He said “it’s ok to wake up on the wrong side of the bed sometimes.” Happiness is great, but it’s not the only emotion out there. I feel most alive when I’m able to experience them all! Writing is a great release for me also. I don’t know what I’d do without my pen and notebook.

  8. Hi Tom,

    I don’t think someone is being unauthentic if they show restraint and courtesy in life. We all have anger at some points in our life but left unchecked as far as civiality the world would look quite differently don’t you think? That’s why when you have anger you must sometimes take awhile and refrain from responding so as you learn to put out words that may express this anger yet not be disrespectful to the others around you at any given point in life. Anger passes just like all our emotions do and therefore we must protect others and ourselves from explosive anger which can do alot of damage to all sorts of relationships we have in our life.

  9. Thanks Tom – an awesome post.
    For me, anger always points to fear or hurt underneath, so I look there, not for reasons, but to let the true core feeling surface, and share its wisdom with me.

    I ask, “What needs to be protected?” and “What must be restored?” I sometimes ask, “What do I need to say, and to whom?”

    I’ve been re-reading “Radical Honesty” by Brad Blanton – it makes a powerful case for living mask-free. I’m looking forward to interviewing him (Brad Blanton) on April 2nd for my Guest Expert Teleseminar Series. (Anyone who wants to hear it can sign up on my website – it’s free.)

    Thanks again for “keeping it real.”

    Kays last blog post..De-Stress By Managing Those “Little Voices!”

  10. Well said, Tom. I think developing and embracing our voice and our unique style is one of the best marketing tools we have. If we try to sound like everyone else, we really won’t stand out in the crowd now will we?

    Shaking things up and being a little controversial is always a great way to turn some heads.

  11. It is refreshing to see the human side of Life coaches. I thnk sometimes people pretend they never go through the same things they train others to avoid. Thanks Tom for beig human today- may we all take the example and utilize it in our own lives!

    Jays last blog post..Stop the Silence- Synchronicity in Action

  12. Hi Tom. I can relate to what you’re saying. And, I think people tend to raise their eyebrows if a life coach is not acting the way they “think” they should. Maybe I’m wrong… but it’s difficult to discern what is appropriate to share on a professional level when you’re in this type of career.

    I completely agree with your statement about authentically sharing all emotions. Did the writing help you? That’s quite a contrast to smacking dead trees.

    Davinas last blog post..Guest Post: Emotions — The Universal Language

  13. Tom, I think you have the honor of being the first person to quote me. When I say that, I don’t mean like my wife quotes the fact that I said I’d only have one beer when I’m on my third, I mean in a good way! ;-)

    Emotions, what would we do without ‘em eh? Sometimes we just need to let them run their course and respect them for what they are, just emotions, nothing more nothing less.

    I know we have joked about this in the past and I actually had the conversation this morning with a client. Coaches are not perfect, we’re just people with most of the same issues as everybody else, we just happen to coach for a living.

    Keep up the good work!

  14. All – Within minutes of working the John Grey exercise highlighted in this post, my friend called me and asked how I was doing. Since I had processed my anger by then I was able to tell him straight up and of course he offered a sincere apology.

    Michelle – Welcome and thank you. I love down to earth, the deeper down the better it feels. :)

    Allan – Ah …. the shifting waves of anger, they are indeed fascinating to experience.

    Jodith – That’s right, I know that my friend was just the trigger but that trigger did serve as a pretty accurate indicator of the source of my anger. I don’t think it’s as important to find the exact reason why we are pissed as long as we allow ourselves to feel it and be open to seeing the why.

    John – Could be anger or another unprocessed negative emotion. Check the John Grey list out and see what feels more accurate for you.

    Kim – You are far too modest. In my experience you have an excellent grasp of what you write about. Perhaps even better you’re willing to find the answers you don’t yet know. I knew you were the real McCoy.

    Maya – Yes folks can tell who is real and who isn’t. I admire you for coming right to the edge of your comfort.

    Stacey – Outstanding acknowledgment form your husband. I agree with you on the power in feeling all of our emotions. Sometimes anger feels like a swiftly moving summer storm about to rip the roof off. But it sure feels good standing out in that cleansing rain.

    Diane – I think anger can be expressed without violence and with civility. I’m pretty sure we agree. What I dislike is inauthentic preaching. When someone is faking their composure or cheerfulness simply to appear more together than they are. Actually I think it would be a much safer world if more folks would feel and express their anger as it arises. If that happened we would not have road rage for example, which is repressed anger boiling over.

    Kay – Thanks for your questions; they are powerful. I’ve asked a similar one. “What have I forgotten? “Congrats on landing Blanton. That will be radical indeed!

    Matt – Yep our own voice is the one people most want to hear. Controversy does work but I never use it just for the sake of controversy. Fortunately my natural views are controversial enough. :)

    Jay – Ask any coach and he or she will tell you that we love self-examination and working through all the methods that our clients need to use. Most of us have had tons of challenges and in fact it’s the depth of our wounds and the fact that we have emerged whole again that makes us savvy coaches.

    Davina – I think being who you really are, all the way is perfectly okay. Those who take offense just aren’t good fits as clients. I look at it as authentically expressing your niche. Absolutely the writing worked. But smacking trees until spent actually works quite well.

    Tim – It’s an honor to be your first. ;) With your wit I’m quit surprised though. Funny how just letting anything run its course works well. It’s when we run away that doesn’t work.

  15. Oh man, I know exactly what you are going through. We try to steer people in the right direction and they just go and do their own thing.

    I like that you acknowledged this “deeper self-anger.” I never really thought about it like that. I usually get mad at my job for putting me in a cubicle, but what I’m really mad at is myself for not being ready to start up my own business.

    Karl Staib – Work Happy Nows last blog post..Extend Your Company’s Recruiting Message to Social Outlets

  16. Thanks so much for the shout out Tom.

    I hear what you are saying and I have noticed the same thing within social media. It’s quite interesting. I don’t know what to think of it. I believe it’s very of the moment to scream for transparency and authenticity–and that many of the same people will be the first ones to carefully craft their answers, image and persona before making a single move.

    I suppose some of it is insecurity and wanting to be seen as the cool kid at the forefront. I think there will always be some of that. I’d venture to say there are very few who are being 100% “real.” It’s a new frontier, the mix of social networking and business–and I think many people are still trying to figure out how to meld the two. One calls for authenticity while the other is traditionally more cautious and, well, business-like.

    Appreciate YOUR realness. :)

    Christine | Communicate Values last blog post..Gratitude for the Social Media Conversation Part I: Women Who Have Come Before and Shared All They Know

  17. Thanks for this post. One thing I’ve noticed about repressing anger is that, if we shut down that part of our emotional experience, we tend to shut down our ability to feel other intense emotions as well. We can’t feel the joy we’re looking for in life if we’re unwilling to experience despair. And then we turn around and say “why don’t I get really passionate about anything?”

    Chris Edgar | Purpose Power Coachings last blog post..Guest Article At The Positivity Blog: “How To Get Comfortable With An Empty Mind”

  18. Fantastic, down to earth, and boy can I identify with that post!

    Several recent experiences have caused me to go a bit deeper in self exploration, and to be honest, I didn’t like all that I saw. My natural happiness was replaced for a short while with anger. For those who like peace (me!) it is not a comfortable place to be. For those of our colleagues and friends who are used to a nonangry soul, it was not an easy place. (As one of your readers mentioned, it really does matter how you deal with the emerging and perhaps newly discovered anger!)

    Tom, you hit the main point—authenticity. Out of that outpouring of anger authenticity “here’s the real me, like it or not” , a sincere curiousity to others’ reactions of my outpouring, and a sincere effort to processing the experiences, –there is a new and even more intense connection with so many folks in my life; And a better respect, awareness, and love for me with myself. I am in a better state of awareness, joy, self love, and love of others than ever before.

    Thank you for bringing some light to a sensitive, important, and often submerged subject. It’s difficult dealing with anger, but oh so worth it!!

  19. beautiful passage extract from The Invitation

  20. I love this post and your unabashed commitment to stand in your integrity and be true to yourself and those around you. I agree that trust in others comes from knowing they will stay in their truth; Also, trust develops when they can hear our own truth and not try to talk us out of it.
    The more we sink into this paradigm the more experiences we will draw towards us that acknowledge and support our integrity!
    Thanks,
    Brenda

    Brenda|Soul Realignments last blog post..Are You Ready to Serve? Yes!

  21. thanks for your openess and honesty, dealing with anger immediately I have found is so important or otherwise you keep sending negative vibrations to the universe- not a healthy look.

    I have recently discovered The Invitation- thanks for sharing the poem.

    Suzie
    Ps writing this at 4 am

    Suzie Cheels last blog post..Law of Attraction Insight #2: Words Send Vibrations

  22. I am TRULY honored to be included in your list of trusted experts!

    As for your “friend” who was unnecessarily harsh in his review of your work – [fists raised boxing style] -”Let me at him!” :)

    Seriously – you’re so correct in your definition of “authenticity”. Authenticity is MUCH more than just Polly Anna, butterflies and rainbows – it means being REAL!

    Reality is sometimes you speak harshly – even though it’s still from your heart.

    Being authentic doesn’t mean being “perfect” – it means being “real” – which is something that happens in SPADES around here – thank goodness!!!!

    Not being authentic – well, that’s what happens when you “buy” positive reviews from people who aren’t even your customers. Now THAT’S when you have to be “careful” and worry about social media!

    Fortunately, that is something you’ll NEVER have to resort to!

    Kathy @ Virtual Impaxs last blog post..Social Media Marketing – What you don’t know CAN hurt you

  23. Tom,

    I’m agree when you said, “Authenticity isn’t just something that we express when everything is coming up roses. It’s also authentic to be pissed when you feel off kilter and anger is trying to surface.”

    Anger is a legitimate emotion and we need to let it out. Of course, how we express is something to think about. When a person goes postal…well, that’s not be the best way to get anger out, but I definitely don’t think it’s a good idea to let it fester.

    I think by writing what you felt and even duking it out with your trees, you were being authentic. In addition, you freed that angry energy…so the Universe can do its job and absorb it.

    Saras last blog post..A Facebook challenge with a twist!

  24. I like to hit my punching bag..but hitting trees will do :)

  25. Karl – That’s why before sending out curt email replies I have finally learned to pause and ask, “what else could this mean?”

    Christine – Back at you on the realness appreciation. :) We’d all be better off, simply being ourselves.

    Chris – Outstanding point! When we don’t feel the negative emotions our capacity to feel the good vibes gets all clogged up.

    Susan – Welcome. Yes, our relationship with the gal or guy in the mirror needs to resonate with deep love and high regard. Congrats to you for doing the work to get there.

    Leicester – Welcome. It’s a beaut!

    Brenda – Welcome. YES! Just allow me to be where I am. Just hear me please. That does allow us to trust and grow. Thank you.

    Suzie – My vibes are all clean and high. the Universe is safe on my watch!

    Kathy – I always enjoy your visits. Your advice is always authentic and down to earth. Thank you for being you.

  26. Oh wow…..how coincidental that I was talking about the idea of being authentic in blogging last night with a group of online marketers. We knew each other some 2-3 years ago from signing up under the same coach. I was just commenting about the bad advice that I was given back then by the coach; that is, about positioning myself to be an “expert” or someone successful in niches that I know little about. To which, all of them nodded and agreed that we are no longer going to heed the same lousy advice!!

    Evelyn Lims last blog post..Wings Of Love

  27. Authenticity sure isn’t just about being happy.

    I think anger is great. It let’s us know that something important is going on and is the energy to initiate. I guess the problem that people have with anger is that it is so often expressed in violence. Which I think is due to seeing ourselves as powerless and repressing our anger. If we expressed our anger well and at the time (or fairly close anyway) we’d have much less violence and the world would be far safer.

    When I can connect autentically with someone else it may not be happy (it could also be sad, angry and so on) but I do feel nourished.

    I do keep some stuff private, especially in cyberspace. I think authenticity is bringing the core of ourselves to something rather than disclosing the details, if you see what I mean.

    They are three extraordinary stanzas, thanks for them too.

    Evans last blog post..Communication and (Dis-)Agreement

  28. Hi Tom,

    I liked this post the moment I read the first paragraph: “I had some unexpressed anger to feel”. I must remember to tell myself this when I’m in the same situation. Thanks for giving yourself, and therefore others, permission to feel anger and be authentic. It is so refreshing.

    Daphnes last blog post..8 Lessons A Nearly-Dead Dog Taught Me About Living

  29. Unexpressed anger is bad but first you have to be sure that the anger you feel is justified and felt in the right amount. Then you have to express it also in the right amount and in a way that is socially acceptable. There are a lot of books on Emotions around, i really love one from Zoran Milivojevic, a serbian author, but it is not yet translated.

  30. One of the interesting models I learned last week is the Johari window. It’s a mental model that can help you figure out how much to share.

    Suppressed feelings are in interesting thing. I learned the most surprising advice in a book called Poker Face. Basically, don’t hold on to the bad stuff … the idea is to ‘tag” your thoughts and if they don’t serve you, let them go. The book has some deep insight into how to do this effectively so rather than suppressed feelings, you literally head things off at the pass.

    Emotional intelligence is such a powerful skill to build.

    J.D. Meiers last blog post..Avoid Mental Burnout

  31. Tom- You Rock my friend! I love bathing in your dose of sunshine reality.

    Emotional pain sucks, I don’t care what I call it. But you have to let it work it’s course or you end up trapped in an infinite loop. I think being real is admitting you have puke-y feelings that you don’t like but you want to learn from them and move beyond them. Use those feelings to find out about yourself. It is a scary thing, but a great ride.

    I’ll take the “real deal” Tom any day to an impostor. You are a refreshing margarita in a salted mug – o friend of mine! Chug, chug, chug!

  32. Hi Tom…

    For I, TRANSPARENCY = VULNERABILITY = AUTHENTICITY.

    Living a full and passionate life involves the grandest pleasures along side the grandest pain…sometimes we’re happy and sometimes we’re pissed off…it’s all good and a healthy part of our existence, yes?

    Thank you for sharing “all of you!”

    Namaste,
    Henie

    Henies last blog post..Friday Focus

  33. Hi Tom – what a relief to read about being real about feelings – far too many bloggers seem to think that living consciously means manipulating feelings in ways that bury them. “Feeling unhappy? – then think happy thoughts!” – what nonsense!

    I think the trick is to allow feelings to flow through us, but not wallow in them longer than necessary because the sensations feel somehow nurturing – but this takes practice – for me, anyhow.

    I loved the poem at the end

    Cheers, Tom!

    Robins last blog post..The Genie That Keeps On Giving

  34. Tom – this was a very powerful piece of writing. I read it the other day, and had to let it sink in a bit.

    I’m still pondering it, because it is (as so many others have said)… real.

    I struggle with this too, sometimes. Anger, like all other emotions, is a part of us, and we have to learn how to accept it, let it out. I know I still bottle it up, sometimes, even though I have many safe and healthy outlets for it.

    Writing works for me too. And lifting weights! And running.

    That link – thank you for sharing that. I’d never seen it before, and I’ll be going back to it from time to time.

    Brett Legrees last blog post..viking fridays – a story of give and take.

  35. All – If you loved the stanzas be sure to click through and read Oriah’s entire poem. It’s beautifully refreshing.

    MMO – I once had a heavy bag, it was almost as good as trees. :)

    Sara – Welcome. Yep we absolutely have to let it out!

    Evelyn – That made me laugh. :) Funny how you all awoke at the same time.

    Evan – You make a fine point about the powerlessness. I do know what you mean about sharing the essence. Sometimes we just have to let it rip though and let the cards fall where they fall. I only resort to the extreme when nothing else seems to work. Violence is never my choice. But beating a dead tree isn’t violent. It’s cathartic.

    Daphne – Your welcome. You can bring your anger over here and express it any time you feel like it.

    J.D. – That’s an interesting title. I wonder if it would improve my poker game. Heading things off at the pass that’s an intriguing thought.

    Laurie – Thanks for so enthusiastically drinking my words. :) It’s funny how I’ve had to keep answering these comments when the anger is so long gone form my body. :)

    Henie – Absolutely and I love your authentic equation! It’s all good indeed.

    Robin – You’ve stated the key to happiness. Allow everything to be and flow through us, accept it without resistance, but only remain there as long as it takes for the flow to go by.

  36. Hi Tom,
    Very real…very awesome.

    It’s not always roses…sometimes it’s the mud around the rose. Anger is a tough one for me. And you’re getting me thinking today…where I fall in all of this. How “real” am I? Really…

    Lances last blog post..Smile!

  37. Hi Tom

    I think it is very important to experience and allow the feeling.
    One problem I think that comes in these days is the belief that we should immediately turn it into the positive. I think we really need to understand and deal with it, not just bury it under a load of positive phrases and comments on how we should be feeling.

    Juliet

    LifeMadeGreat | Juliets last blog post..How Do You Deal With Other People’s Customs?

  38. Hey I found you over at Lance’s place! As I was reading about your disappointment in how your friend delivered criticism, it brought to mind perception. Is it possible that your friend thought they were being kind and supportive?

    I love what you’re saying about being real! Anger is a part of being real, a big part. Anger is an emotion that I have trouble with. I’m trying to teach my son that anger is an OK emotion and the OK ways to express it. I have to say I’m flying blind in this department. But as I teach him, I learn…how is that possible?

    Natalia Burlesons last blog post..Acceptance, Job Interview

  39. Lance – Invite all of your feelings to the table, even those that are tough to digest. You’ll find the resulting power amazing.

    Juliet – Yep. Sugar-coating is still only a coaching. What’s real always lies beneath.

    Natalia – Welcome. You asked. “Is it possible that your friend thought they were being kind and supportive?” Well it doesn’t matter at this point because the delivery of his feedback was only a trigger for me to feel deeper issues. But I did talk with him and he was feeling like he could have been kinder even before we addressed this. So my initial reaction was both accurate and a link to deeper gold. You’ll find some interesting insights in the comments above. It’s possible to see the value in anger when we can separate anger from violence. They don’t mean the same thing. It’s possible to be angry and hurt no one. Also the best thing about anger is what it teaches us about what we are really thinking.

  40. Hi Tom: I get angry over how meddlesome people are in this country, in particular women. Just thought I’d share that :-)

    You know, sometimes people are mean because of their own issues. Maybe your friend wishes he were more like you and that led him to emit harsh and unwarranted criticism.

  41. Mare – That may be the case with other folks. Know this guy, it’s not. He has high standards and simply places what he sees as true feedback as necessary. He was concerned that he was too harsh. I’ve since looked at the specific feedback and no doubt I can improve the product as a result of it. It was simply his delivery that made me cringe.

  42. Tom,

    In terms of dealing with others, its important, as you say, to be as transparent as possible, and if I were on the other side of the table, I would refuse to do business with anyone whom I did not feel was above board.

    That said, you do not have to reveal your ‘dark side’ to everyone with whom you come in contact. Personally, I share my more vulnerable side only with friends who I consider to be very trustworthy, and whom I am certain will maintain my confidence with respect to confidentiality.

    But on a more personal level, I feel that being in touch with all our emotions – the good and the bad, is essential if we are to live our lives in an emotionally healthy state. Denial of negative emotions is not an effective way to deal with the problem. The only way is to tackle them head on.

    Andrews last blog post..Free her – Fiat’s big call on Burma (part 2)

  43. Andrew – Welcome. That’s the beauty of authenticity, each of us get to decide what level of disclosure is authentic for us. Glad you’re a fully feeling individual as well.

  44. I don’t believe that “Don’t share anything here that you wouldn’t put up on billboards all over town.” really means to wear a mask. My personal interpretation is it was intended to mean that you should think before you share certain things. Make sure it is not some reactionary thing that you might want to take back later, but a true feeling that you do not have a problem with the world knowing about.

    That being said, I agree with letting out anger. The more you hold it back, the more it builds up and becomes a part of who you are, instead of just a reaction to a situation.

    ~ Kristi

    Kikolani | Blogging, Poetry, Photographys last blog post..The Return of Sleep Paralysis

  45. Kristi – I understand your point and he may have meant that. I’ve just decided that it feels more authentic for me to err on the side of forthrightness before caution.

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